love me not`

[lex monroe.]

go spin circles for me
WOUND RELENTLESSLY,

Drenched in a cold sweat and shaking, Lex held herself tightly in the shade of the boardwalk. The tide lapped up at the toes of her DC’s, begging for a little bit of skin. Lex refused, wrenching herself backwards into the sand. She was sick. She was sick with withdrawal, and sick with grief. Nate was dead. Her baby was dead. The world was, undeniably, dead. Lex closed her eyes tightly, allowing a single, crystalline tear to shimmy down her cheek and to the corner of her mouth. “Stop,” She whispered to the chaos in her head. There were pictures, flashing pictures, and video clips of her life with Nate and her life with Joshua. She grabbed her head on either side, moaning pitifully. It had been a week since she’d slipped that tourniquet around her arm. She had to stop this awful pattern, or else the cocaine would kill her. But, did she ever think that not having the cocaine might kill her as well?

Lex’s breaths were ragged as she clutched her fingers into the sand. She rocked forward, tempted to touch the water. Her fingertips brushed across the very surface; she wiped them on her stonewashed jeans, burying her face within her knees. Her long, pale blonde hair was suddenly swept up into the wind, tugging hard and trying with great desperation to get her to pick up her head. Go away, She pleaded in her head, digging her nails like razors in to the sand. Clenching her teeth, Lex sucked in a large breath of air. She felt it sitting under her tongue, weighing against the bone of her teeth. Lex swallowed difficultly, wiping the icy sweat from her rounded cheeks. She wasn’t used to these withdrawals. The only other withdrawals she’d ever had were when she was with Joshua, trying to quit for him. A lot of good that did. Now look where it’d gotten her—Joshua was gone.

Lex’s body lurched with a cry of emotional wreckage at the mental mention of Joshua. He wasn’t necessarily gone, was he? He was still here, somewhere. That just made it worse, though. That meant he hated her for what she’d done, how she’d left. Was it wrong to still love him, though, after a year of separation? After losing her unborn child and her lover? Was it sick to have wanted him instead? A sob welled up in Lex’s mouth. How had she managed to lose everything that was good in her life? There were so many questions eating at her brain. She just had to get away. That’s why she’d come to the beach, to get away. Yeah, what a brilliant idea that was. It was working out just peachy.

Lex’s phone began to tweet furiously from inside her pocket. She sniffled, rubbing one of her eyes quickly and pulling out the sleek iPhone from its cozy little place on her ass. She didn’t recognize the number, and pressed ‘ignore’ on the options list. Something went wrong, and it brought her to her contacts list. First on her speed dial was, inevitably, Nate. Not like he’d be answering anytime soon. Number two on the list? Joshua. She’d kept him on her contacts list for the entire year that she was gone. Her thumb hovered over the call button. Would he even pick up if he saw it was her? Would he even still have her number at all? While her hand trembled with the pressure, the iPhone decided it wanted to call Joshua on its own. Lex stuttered in protest, but stopped herself when she realized the phone wasn’t going to listen to her. She calmed herself down and, in a very well-equipped manner, held the phone to her ear. It rang twice, which was more than Lex could possibly take anymore. She hung up.

Story of her life.

[joshua jamey knoll]

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN INTO ,

[/font]
this time around? i know that i had sworn[/font][/i]
i'd never trust anyone again, but i didn't have to. you had me
at hello. i've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours.
it's simply radiant, i feel more with everyday that goes by.[/font][/center]

"Well, I mean... if you didn't want to see me again, then you should have just told me that in the first place. You know, instead of having me completely waste my time like this and everything." It was hard to miss the bit of disappointment in the boy's monotone voice that could barely be heard over the sound of gently crashing waves. However, it was certainly even harder to miss the conspicuous edge the words passing his pale lips held. He was angry, mostly at himself. He had been let down yet again, despite the many times that he had reassured himself that this would not happen this time. He always did that. He just didn't know how to give up. He needed to learn not to let his hopes get up too high, because each time they were always brought crashing down so easily. His impatient lips parted again after a small pause; he was about to say something more to the girl on the other end of the telephone call, but her voice became more deafening in his ear and his chance to speak was lost in her excuses. Small, white teeth bit down on the softness of lips that hadn't been kissed in what seemed like too long for Joshua to even bear as he listened to the voice that he once thought was so pretty become increasingly uglier with each word that it sounded out. "Yeah, I know, but you told me you'd be here by three... it's past four, Jenna. It's past four, and you didn't even call to tell me - no, listen, I've been sitting here waiting for more than a fucking hour, I think the least you could do is listen to me for once, I -" She cut him off again.

Jenna. Jenna was Joshua's... something. He wasn't quite sure if she was his girlfriend; he had asked her twice before, but she had sort of brushed the question off and left it danging in the tension between them, ignored and unanswered. That alone probably should have told him that she was no good for him, but something about her emerald eyes that matched his and the way her small body fit into his somehow kept him hanging on. It was foolish, but Joshua was the most foolish of all when it came to anything remotely similar to love. It hadn't always been that way. Joshua was known as being a bit of a man whore... it was one of the reasons why he got onto the television show in the first place. He knew that, just as everyone who watched the show knew that. He was in love with how easily he could charm some girls - maybe even some boys. If Joshua had his eyes set on you, it was pretty much impossible to stop him until he got what he wanted with you. He had perfected the art of using his looks to get him what he wanted. The hair, the piercings, the clothes, the hipbones - all he used to his advantage to get him where he wanted to go.

Lately, however, he had been feeling a bit different when it came to having physical relationships with others. It had only taken a few hook ups in the Hamptons to make him realize the real reason why he was always seeking so much sexual attention. He had no idea why it had taken so long to become apparent, because he was sure that he had been feeling this way for at least a year or so. Joshua Knoll was lonely. God, he was impossibly lonely. And the only cure that he had found so far was someone temporary. Any touch from another made him forget all about the horrible emptiness that he felt in his heart, but waking up next to someone he hardly even knew brought the lonliness crashing down on him like a potent wave that tugged him underneath the water, knocking the breath out of him. He was scared to death of losing someone again, and so he made sure that he never became close to anyone. He didn't want to be hurt again. Losing Lex was something that had really torn Joshua up inside; it was the first time he had really experienced having someone just leave him when he needed them so badly. Never had he felt so forgotten in his life.

A frustrated sigh passed the boy's lips as he switched his cell phone to the other ear, reaching up to shove his dark hair out of his emerald eyes; however, the wind was persistant and blew it out of place again a moment later. The wind was a bit stronger than usual today, and as a result the waves in the distance were a bit choppier. He was sitting indian-style on top of a sand-covered, wooden picnic table on the beach now - this was where he had been instructed to wait for Jenna, and this was where he had been sitting for almost two hours now. He had been looking forward so to today. He'd worn his favorite pair of faded skinny jeans and a light gray v-neck shirt, and beat up flip flops protected the bottoms of his pale skinned feet. He'd even lied and said that he was just going to the grocery store for awhile, just so that he could escape the cameras for a bit. Of course Jenna hadn't even showed up. It was just like her to completely blow him off. It wasn't the first time.

He'd met her a few days after the show had started, at some club that the cameras had followed them all too. She had long blonde hair and soft eyes - he was constantly trying to convince himself that the reason he couldn't keep his eyes off of her had nothing to do with how much she resembled Lex. Of course, she wasn't as beautiful as he remembered Lex being, but that was something that Joshua only admitted to himself in the privacy of his mind. She had approached him, offered to buy him a drink and of course Joshua had welcomed the idea. She seemed sweet enough, but that was usually when the cameras were recording them. She called him Josh; he had told her that he would rather her call him Joshua, but she either seemed to have forgotten or ignored his words. She wasn't perfect, but she was someone, and Joshua felt like having someone. He just was started to doubt whether she was the right someone.

Finally Joshua had had enough of the female voice telling piece after piece of shit to him over the phone, wasting even more of his time. He interrupted her mid-sentence, his voice raising a little - Joshua had always had a temper and Jenna was well aware of it by now. "Just whatever, Jenna, I don't give a shit. The only reason you even still talk to me is because I'm on this goddamn show. Leave me the fuck alone and stop calling me, I don't want to talk to you anymore, okay?!" He got a little carried away in his anger, and before he was fully aware of what he was doing, his phone was flying from his hand and landing a good distance away from the table where he was sitting. "Fuck," he hissed through clenched teeth, hitting his white knuckles against the wood of the table a few times in order to try to calm down a little. A few moments later he sighed and stood up, walking over to his phone and reaching down to pick it up.

As he bent down to pick it up, his ringtone began playing faintly in the air. He groaned as his long fingers gripped it and pulled it up off the ground; he straightened up, pushing his hair out of his eyes once more. "I told her not to fucking call me," he muttered, assuming that it was Jenna - one look at the small screen managed to change his entire mood completely. His breath caught in his throat, and a confused expression spread across the features of his face - Lex was calling. It had been about a year since he had even talked to her at all, let alone seen her name pop up on his caller ID. For a moment he was unsure of what to do... should he answer it? What would he say if he did? Before he could decide what to do, it was too late. She had hung up, even though it had only rung a couple times. Joshua wondered if maybe he had imagined the entire thing.

He stood there for a moment, staring at his phone. God, how he wanted her to call again. But maybe she hadn't even meant to call him, maybe she had accidently pressed his name on her contact list and hoped that he wouldn't call back. Somehow he couldn't believe that she might have wanted to talk to him. After all, she had left him. He'd never meant to let her go. He didn't think that he'd have to think about this again anymore. He had thought about it way too much back then.

Joshua found her name on his contact list, hesitated for just a moment, and then called her back.

He brought the phone up to his ear, listening to the familiar ringing from the other end. He wouldn't hang up like she had. He might not get an answer, but maybe he would. He could only wait to see what happened. He bit down hard on his lip, wondering why he was getting so worked up over one little telephone call...

Lex. Shit. He missed her so.

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[lex monroe.]

( I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD )

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c a n ' t g e t y o u o u t o f m y m i n d[/font][/center]

Lex held her crystalline eyes on the main menu of her phone, quivering both out of anxiety and withdrawal. Had she really just called Joshua? Honestly. It was a bewildering fact to her that she could even have breathed while the phone rang in wait. She hadn’t seen Josh in, what, a year? A year. That’s 365 days lacking a kiss, a hug, a gentle touch… God, she missed his touch. Lex could remember the way Joshua would lay his hand on her collar, applying little to no pressure at all, yet still managing to make her buckle at the knees. It was an incredible talent he’d always had, one that Lex constantly relished him for. Lex felt her mouth literally begin to water thinking about his hand on her neck. Her neck was the most sensitive part of her, and Joshua knew that. He knew that Lex would shudder, giggle or moan whenever he kissed just a hair of her pretty little neck. And Lex was becoming more and more nostalgic for it the longer she thought about it.

Lex reached out toward the little waves, her fingers extended to their full length. Lex had tiny hands. It was just that simple. She could’ve passed for a five-year-old by just looking at a picture of her hands. But they were special hands. Hands that had been kissed countless times by lips belonging to Joshua. And Nate, as well. But Nate was gone. And he always would be, too. Lex’s stomach suddenly lurched into her other internal organs—thinking about someone you watched die was never a pleasant thing. Especially when that someone had gotten you pregnant. Lex wrenched her hands over her stomach—her empty stomach. No longer would it hold the child of her dead lover. No longer would she be able to whisper to it before she went to sleep, and right after she woke up. She had nothing left. Not even an embryo.

She ran her thumb over her phone, wiping the smudges from the screen. There were a few sand grains stuck in the pink case, but she didn’t care. The phone would never be put to good use again. Not without Nate or Joshua. Lex cast her eyes out to the ocean, watching the waves crash and bubble up on the wet sand. A sad smile twitched to her lips. She remembered going to the beach with Nate. With Joshua. She remembered laying for hours on end with both of them, watching the sun go down and then waking up to watch it rise again. Actually, she’d only done that with Joshua. Nate had never liked the idea of sleeping on sand, even if it was with her. Joshua had. It took them a week to get the sand from their hair, but it was worth it. Definitely.

Lex rubbed her fingers over her brow, massaging it tenderly. She dreaded the world she had to return to—the TV show life. Why had she signed up for this thing, anyway? She was still in mourning. Kind of. In reality, she was mourning the loss of Joshua, instead. Nate’s death had really only just given her a reason to. She didn’t want the cameras to watch her break down slowly. But she couldn’t spend all day at the beach, either. They’d be expecting her back at the Scene house tonight, but she wasn’t quite sure if she could make it. Just as her thought train began to swivel out of control, Lex’s phone began to tweet again, this time with a more familiar ringtone. She had set separate ringtones for everyone in her contacts list, and the ringtone the phone was bleating was the one she never thought she’d hear again: Barbie Girl.

She and Joshua had made a video once lip synching to the song, thus it became his inevitable ringtone. So that meant it was Joshua. Lex looked down at her phone to double check, still trying to resurrect her heart from the freezing it was suffering. Yep. Sure enough, there was his name—Joshua. It still had a heart next to it. Lex began to panic. Should she answer it? Should she hang up? Should she chuck the phone into the ocean for the waves to feed on? It was a tough call. But she dared herself to answer it. She dared herself and she was going to do it. One, two, three… “Joshua?”

[joshua jamey knoll]

AND I'LL BORROW WORDS FROM ,

[/font]
all my favorite paragraphs, to write about all of these[/font][/i]
faded things, we hope would mean the most to me.
and each line is sent, i have found a new page of hope
for the days when i feel like i've lost everything.[/font][/center]

The shrill ringing seemed to last for hours. Days, even. Ring after ring after ring... Joshua stood there on the beach, clutching his cell phone to his ear, the wind causing a chill to spread across his exposed skin but he did not feel it - all that mattered was the ringing. That was it. Every emotion soaring through his body felt absolutely ridiculous, but his mind was moving way too fast for him to even consider shutting the phone and ending the entire thing. He had thought that he had accepted the fact that he couldn't be with Lex ever again a long time ago, but now the possibility of communicating with her sent his head on an absolutely enthralling trip down memory lane.

Lex. He must have talked to her for hours on this shitty excuse for a cell phone. Whenever he had to go far to play shows with his band, he would call her, just to make sure that she could hear his voice and know he was still crazy about her. That would comfort Joshua a little, since he'd always been paranoid about her leaving him for someone else, although she had constantly reminded him that he was silly for even thinking that in the first place. They used to have sleepovers - tons of them, nearly every night actually. He remembered watching countless movies with her and hardly even paying attention. If he wasn't throwing popcorn at her or tickling her sides or messing around with her hair, he was kissing her cheek or whispering silly things into her ear to make her giggle and miss the most important part of whatever movie they happened to be watching. Then there was the singing; the two of them had always been singing the most random songs, and it didn't even matter if their voices cracked or were off key. They just sang, and Joshua would claim that nearly every song was "their" song... but the song that probably reminded him of her the most was that weird Barbie Girl song of all things. They used to sing that one all the time, to the point where it annoyed everyone else except the two of them. And then there were the times when they would sleep together on the beach, his arms wrapped around her securely to keep her warm and safe. And maybe it was a silly thing to do, but honestly there had not been a moment in his life yet where his heart had felt happier than it had when he'd wake up to the sunrise and Lex with sand in her light hair, still next to him, just as she had been before he'd fallen asleep. God, Joshua just not picture himself doing that with anyone else on the face of the earth. Jenna wouldn't even want to do that. She'd think it was gross or something. She'd complain about how it would mess up her hair. She would say that it was something children would do. She was nothing like Lex had been to him, and she never would be.

All of these thoughts were soaring through his mind and it was making him nervous, and he was even starting to feel kind of sick. These were memories that he had blocked out for some time now, and the time for them to come crashing back down into his brain shouldn't have been right now. In fact, now he wasn't sure if he was even ready for this. This phone call. He didn't know if he could handle being pushed away again. Maybe he should just -

The ringing stopped. “Joshua?”

His voice was gone. He could hardly believe it was her voice that he was hearing. It sounded just as he had remembered it. He tried to decipher the tone of her greeting quickly - did she sound angry? Annoyed? Shocked? Happy? He honestly couldn't tell. He realized that she would probably think he wasn't there if he didn't say something soon. Pale lips parted and he attempted to speak to her. "I... Yeah, it's Joshua, I was just... I saw you called, but then you hung up or something because, yeah... like, I don't even know what I'm doing, honestly... I just thought maybe you wanted to say... no, listen, what I meant was... sorry, I just really don't know what-"

Wow Josh. Just wow. His emerald green eyes snapped shut in frustration and he buried his face into his hand. Of course he had to go and ruin everything with his mouth again. She must think he was such an idiot. He was just rambling on and on, hardly making sense. He sighed and decided to try again.

"Sorry about that. Hi Lex, it's Joshua." Her name felt odd but strangely sweet on his lips; he hadn't said it in so long. "I saw that you called, so..." He dropped his hand away from his face and took a few steps back, leaning against the wooden table behind him. "I don't know if you really wanted to talk to me or not. I can hang up if you want, but..."

Now he felt like he was talking too much. This was definitely not how he pictured the next time he would speak to her. Then again, he hadn't really thought that there would be a next time. He waited to see if she would stay on the line or just hang up. He wasn't sure which would be worse. Hearing her voice again, however... that would be nice.

[/size][/font]

[lex monroe.]

( AND IF THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO BE )

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j u s t p r o m i s e y o u w o n ' t f o r g e t m e[/font][/center]

"I... Yeah, it's Joshua, I was just... I saw you called, but then you hung up or something because, yeah... like, I don't even know what I'm doing, honestly... I just thought maybe you wanted to say... no, listen, what I meant was... sorry, I just really don't know what-" Lex felt tears pressing at her transparent blue eyes at the sound of Joshua’s voice. She covered her mouth with three of her fingers, pressing them against her lips to suppress a tiny, emotional sob. She listened patiently to Joshua’s stuttering and stammering, smiling through her tense throat. A small laugh escaped her lungs, inevitably traveling through the speaker.

Great, Lex. Now what would Joshua think? That she was mocking him? Lex squeezed her eyes shut, feeling warm blood flushing in her cheeks; it was a habit of hers that she’d acquired everytime she talked to Joshua. A baby blush would always form under her skin, and Joshua would always make sure to kiss it until it got bigger. Lex nearly exploded with tears under all the pressure she had on herself. With the withdrawal, the TV show, and now she was hearning Joshua’s voice for the first time in three-hundred and sixty-five days… It was all too overwhelming. But she had to handle it. She needed to handle it.

“Joshua,” She echoed, the crying now more visible in her voice. She loved it so much when he stammered. It was so cute. She tried to picture him now doing it, but her thinking was cut off by the sound of waves in the background of Josh’s words. Was he… at the beach? Oh my god, baby Jesus, he was. He was at the beach. Lex started to look around her, trying to spot that shaggy-haired boy that she still loved so much. There was no sign of him. "Sorry about that. Hi Lex, it's Joshua." Lex sputtered with a small giggle. Of course it was Joshua. Who else would it be? Nate? “Hi,” She greeted softly, sniffling. "I saw that you called, so..." Lex shut her eyes again, feeling almost ashamed, in a way. “Yeah, about that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you or anything. I didn’t know if you’d answer or not, or if you’d be mad if you answered, so I just hung up, because I didn’t want to… bother you…” Now Lex was the one having trouble speaking. She swallowed a weighty lump in her throat, feeling her stomach drop a couple stories in an adrenaline rush. She could see him.

Or, at least, she was pretty sure it was him. To her far left, a boy stood near a picnic table a good distance away from her. He had a phone to his ear, and he was… Good lord, it was Joshua. Lex’s heart nearly jumped right from the cavity in her chest. "I don't know if you really wanted to talk to me or not. I can hang up if you want, but..." “No! I mean, please don’t,” Lex stumbled awkwardly over her words, speaking quickly at first and then diving in to save herself from sounding like an idiot. It was a little too late for that, though. “I did—I do—want to talk to you. I have for the past 365 days. Actually, make that 366.” Lex’s lips quivered with the onset of a smile. She was still watching Joshua from where she sat, one hand running nervously through her long blonde hair. She wondered if he knew she was there or not. Her guess was that he didn’t.

Lex began to quake with the intensity of her withdrawal. Her hands started to shake, and the reception on the phone was beginning to deteriorate. “J-Joshua,” She whispered. “Look to your right. Don't ask me why, just please, do it.” She waited until he caught her eye. She let the hand holding the phone fall from her ear as she stared at his slender body, enchanted, almost, in a sense. That was her Joshua. Her Joshua and nobody else’s. Well, who was she to make that decision now? She’d left him. She’d been the fuck-up, the heartbreaker. The insatiable cokehead. Still, it didn’t lessen the fact that he even made her heart beat fast from this far away, and after an entire year. No one could ever make Lex’s heart beat fast. Not even Nate, usually. But she wasn’t nervous. She was terrified. Terrified that he might scream at her, or worse, say nothing at all. Would he even listen to her if she told him how much she missed him? How every day, even when she had been pregnant with another boy’s child, she had thought of him? How she longed to kiss his cheek and watch Spongebob again? Lex bit at her lower lip. She could only hope that he would.

[joshua jamey knoll]

IN A ROMANTIC FASHION ,

[/font]
i will experiment with my fear right before her eyes.[/font][/i]
and every smile that's unveiled will be soaked in my nervous charm. [/font][/center]

Upon hearing the small, delicate laugh in his ear, it was impossible for Joshua to contain the small smile that tugged on the corners of his pale lips. Maybe he was a little embarrassed because of it; he'd just stuttered through a whole series of sentences and now she was laughing at him for it. However, it would be a lie to say that he didn't absolutely love hearing that laugh again for the first time in what felt like ages. Now he remembered how easily making her laugh had come to him. There were days when Joshua must have heard that laugh at least a hundred times, maybe even more, and even so he could never get tired of hearing it. He could honestly care less about what had caused her to laugh a little just now. Just as long as he could hear it... no, just as long as it was intended for him to hear, then he was content.

“Joshua.” She said his name again, and he liked how it sounded with her voice. Joshua. Joshua. It just sounded better when she said it - he didn't have a clue as to why. He was so caught up in the fact that he was actually talking to Lex right now that he almost missed the way that her voice had sounded over the phone. Something wasn't right with it... and then he realized exactly what it had sounded like. "Lex? Lex, are you okay? Are you... crying?" His words were filled with more concern than was probably necessary, but he didn't want her to cry. That was the last thing that he wanted. He had heard too much of that when he saw her everyday. Maybe she was crying because she was glad to hear his voice as well, but he was not really sure. There was no way to be certain. Maybe talking to him upset her. There was just something about this situation that just let Joshua know that it was a big deal. He was sure that she must feel it as well. This meant something. It had to mean something. His heart probably wouldn't be beating this fast if it didn't mean anything at all.

Yeah, about that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you or anything. I didn’t know if you’d answer or not, or if you’d be mad if you answered, so I just hung up, because I didn’t want to… bother you…” He noticed how her words began to slow down as she spoke, but he really didn't think much of it. He could hardly think straight at the moment, let alone pay attention to each and every detail of her speech. He was more ready to assure her that he wanted to speak to her like this. "No, don't be sorry, really, you're not bothering me. I was... well, I don't know, I guess I was kind of maybe waiting for you to call me again or something. But I didn't think you were going to or anything." Emerald eyes closed tightly and he cursed under his breath after saying this - they were probably two minutes into the conversation and already he was making it seem like he had done nothing but obsess over her for the past year. Which might have been a little true, but he didn't want her to know that. Maybe she didn't feel the same as she had used to. He wouldn't be surprised. He had figured that that was why she had left in the first place. Well, partially why anyway.

Small white teeth gently bit down on his bottom lip as he listened intently to the girl on the other end of the conversation. Joshua tended to bite his lip a lot, in particular around the times when he was nervous at all. It was something Lex had come to know very well, and usually her way to calm him down was the softest kiss on the lips. Thinking of that now made Joshua even more nervous; he bit down on his lip until it hurt and continued to listen. "I did—I do—want to talk to you. I have for the past 365 days. Actually, make that 366.” The boy smiled at this, letting out a small, breathy laugh in response. "God, I've wanted to talk to you too. I really have. So much. I thought about calling you a few times, but I thought you wouldn't want me to and stuff. Three-hundred and sixty six days is way too long to go without Lex Monroe, I've got to admit."

He stared at his feet as he spoke, using his beat up flip flops to mess with the sand grains that were underneath him. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings right now; in fact, it could have started to snow, and Joshua probably would not have even noticed at all. That's why a look of confusion crossed his impossibly pale face after he was told to look to his right. “J-Joshua, look to your right. Don't ask me why, just please, do it.” There was his name again, spoken in a wonderfully delicate voice that came to him through the speaker in the form of a whisper. That distracted him for a moment, and then the meaning behind her words caused him to stiffen up a bit. "What...?" She could not possibly mean what she had just implied. That was next to impossible...

Joshua's dark haired head quickly picked itself up and turned sideways, green eyes immediately drawn to the figure of a girl that he could probably recognize anywhere, no matter how many years had passed. Lex Janeway Monroe - it was really her, he was sure of it. Mostly because of the way that his body reacted. The sudden incredibly intense desire to be close to her was shocking to his unprepared mind. His eyes took her in from head to toe, and they longed desperately for her to be closer just so that they could make out the details of her soft face and bright eyes. His fingers were begging to run through her long hair or to feel her slender hips underneath their touch, and his lips wanted nothing more than to feel hers pressed up against them once again. He wanted to kiss the blush on her pretty cheeks and he wanted to let his fingers brush across the sensitive skin of her neck. However, his body was also completely aware of the fact that it would not be able to enjoy any of these pleasures. Maybe that was why he wanted it so badly.

His eyes were locked with hers, and the slender arm that had been holding the phone to his ear fell to his side. The phone slipped from his fingers and fell onto the sand with a soft noise that he did not even notice, nor did he even care about. He was biting down on his bottom lip like crazy, his piercings making soft noises against his teeth as he gazed at her. And somehow his feet acquired a mind of their own, and they began to move closer and closer to the girl, carrying Joshua with them, whether he was ready or not.

Those eyes did not leave her for one instant as he moved toward her. As soon as he was a few steps away, his pace sort of changed into a run and the skinny mess that as Joshua Knoll came tumbling up to meet Lex. He did not care if she didn't want it or not; he flung his arms around the girl, bringing her small body against his as he embraced her tightly, closing his eyes as he buried his face into her soft hair. "Lex... Lex," he muttered, and it was muffled and it was short but it was enough. It had to be, because he could think of nothing else to say.

He had no idea how long he stood like that, but it was not very long. He realized that he was maybe taking this a little too far - he squeezed her one last time before dropping his arms from around her and taking a step back. "I'm sorry, I... I might have gotten a little carried away there, I'm just... I didn't think I would see you again."

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[lex monroe.]

( EVERYTIME I SEE YOUR SMILE )

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"Lex? Lex, are you okay? Are you... crying?" Lex wrenched her hand from her waist and tossed it to her face, covering her nose. She didn’t want Joshua to worry, of all things. Why should he need to worry about her, when she was the one who broke his heart? Lex’s own heart began to vibrate tenderly with guilt. How could she have left him? Oh, right. Cocaine. The nasty, vile thing. It had taken her away from Joshua. Her Joshua! More tears weighted behind her eyes. The temptation to just sob was overwhelming her to a brittle thing, but part of her stayed strong. She had to mend the rifts, the many, many rifts. “No, no. I’m fine. Perfectly… fine.” She lied through gritted teeth, resting her forehead in her palm. She hated that she was such an awful liar, and that Joshua knew her so well. Because his concern could only grow from there, thanks to her. Bravo, Lex.

"No, don't be sorry, really, you're not bothering me. I was... well, I don't know, I guess I was kind of maybe waiting for you to call me again or something. But I didn't think you were going to or anything." Lex’s heart jumped as it always used to when he would speak. She dug her fingernails into the crown of her head as she listened to him, pressing at her lower lip with her upper one. “Joshua, I—I guess I wanted to say—” Lex was having trouble finding the right words. When could she ever, though? Joshua knew her, and he knew her well enough to know that she always said the wrong things at the wrong times. She sighed, feeling defeated by her own words. “I’m sorry, Joshua,” She whispered, closing her eyes. Lex knew she was about a year too late, but she hoped it would be enough. Not like she ever was enough, though.

"God, I've wanted to talk to you too. I really have. So much. I thought about calling you a few times, but I thought you wouldn't want me to and stuff. Three-hundred and sixty six days is way too long to go without Lex Monroe, I've got to admit." Lex imploded briefly with an explosive sob, but she sucked it back in as if she could take it back. She wiped under her nose with a delicate whisk of her finger. “I miss you,” Lex murmured, not sure if Joshua would hear her at all. “I miss you, so much,” She pictured Joshua’s thin body pressed against her own, his nose in her hair and her lips at his collarbone. She really did miss him. She decided, in that moment, that she would pass up all the cocaine in the world as long as she could see Joshua one more time. Just one more time.

Her wish, surprisingly enough, came true. Joshua was running toward her. Running, to her. For her. Lex dropped her phone into the folds of sand, standing up to her full height of 5’3”, her arms trembling. She shifted her weight forward, impatient to hold her boy again. Should she run? Oh, hell, this was taking too long. Lex uncoiled her body forward, dashing with great difficulty through the sand. She even fell once or twice, but scrambled back to her feet without so much as a regard to the burns on her hands and feet. She and Joshua met in what could only be described as an epic, movie-cliché scenario. They flung their arms around each other, his slightly longer than hers and able to wrap more around her body. Lex’s hands met around his shoulders, where buried her face into his neck. Her platinum blonde hair flew up into Joshua’s face, as if begging to be nuzzled or smelled or even just touched.

“Joshua,” She cried, letting out the sob that she had been longing to for so much time. She repeated his name over and over again into his skin, hardly even noticing that she was practically kissing him. Okay, maybe she noticed a little. A lot, even. "Lex... Lex," Lex sniffled as he said her name. She hadn’t felt so wonderful since… well, since Joshua. I love you, She wanted to say, but she held back. What if he didn’t love her back, after all the time and all the hurt? For some reason, Lex was happier not knowing that he didn’t love her, if that was the case.

Lex’s lips knitted into a frown as Joshua fell away from her, taking his warmth with him. She wrapped her arms around her waist, still quaking out of both withdrawal and sheer awe. She refused to be let go of again. She stepped forward, raising her tiny hand to Joshua’s face, feeling him all over from his jaw line to his forehead. Her free hand hung loosely at her hips, intrigued by his other hand. She half-thought about grabbing it, but she didn’t need to. All she needed was this—to be able to touch Joshua, to hear and hold him in every sense palpable. "I'm sorry, I... I might have gotten a little carried away there, I'm just... I didn't think I would see you again." Lex smiled through her tears, her eyes shining with wetness. “Don’t be sorry, Joshua. If anything, I’m the one who has some explaining to do.” She assured him, running her thumb over his smooth cheek. Which, by the way, she was tempted to kiss.

“Don’t worry, I want to, too,” Lex admitted of Joshua’s flying hug. She circled his waist with her free arm again, pushing herself close to him. She never wanted to let go, either. But she knew she’d have to sometime. After all, didn’t Joshua deserve to know what the hell she’d been doing all this time?

[joshua jamey knoll]

IS THIS IT OR CAN WE STILL ,

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A year ago, Joshua would have been about to swear to anyone with no hesitation that the person he knew best in this world was Lex Monroe. Spending so much time with her had allowed him to memorize almost every detail of her appearance, from her long eyelashes down to the tiny freckles on her arms. Not only that, but he had also grown to be able to read her like one of his favorite books. He knew when she was really happy, he could tell when she was sad, he knew when she was nervous or tired or pretty much any other emotion that she was capable of displaying with her words and actions. But most of all, Joshua knew when Lex was lying. There was hardly ever a time when Lex was able to slip a lie past Joshua without going unnoticed, and he was a litle surprised to find that this still held true today. “No, no. I’m fine. Perfectly… fine.” This was obviously not the truth, he could just tell, but he did not reply to her words. This was the first time they had talked in a year, and it wouldn't feel right to call her out for lying already. Plus, it wasn't a big lie. He was sure she was probably crying. He wished he was there to kiss the tears away and tell her it was going to be alright because he was here again. However, he highly doubted that that would be happening anytime soon. Because even if they were face to face right now, he doubted she would want him to kiss her or anything like that. There was no way she could still love him. She was the one who had stopped first.

“Joshua, I—I guess I wanted to say—” He waited, and he hardly even realized that he was holding his breath in the silence that followed. Jenna was probably the last thing on his mind at the moment. He was unbelievably thankful that she did not show up for their little date, or whatever the hell he was supposed to call it. He would much rather stand here, clutching his phone to his ear, waiting very impatiently for the girl on the other end of the line to tell him what she guessed that she wanted to say in her very familiar voice. But he was already guessing that this was all him and Lex would amount to. A phone call, and then what? He was sure that she wouldn't want anything else from him, but the heart inside his chest jumped at the thought. He heard her sigh and immediately he wondered at the pretty sound. “I’m sorry, Joshua.” Her voice was a whisper, soft and nice and exciting in his ear. "It's okay, Lex, don't worry. Don't be sorry," he told her, his voice becoming incredibly soft as it always used to when he would talk to her. Only her. "That was a long time ago, and I... I don't know, it hurt me, I'm not going to lie, but-" He stopped mid-sentence; he didn't want to talk about his behavior during the few months after she had left. It had been bad, and it was something that he would rather not have her knowing. "It's okay. I wasn't good for you, I understand. I'm sorry too." With every word he breathed he was becoming more and more angry at himself. These were not the things that he meant or wanted to say, but they just kept coming out. He had always had this problem when talking to Lex seriously. He always said more than he meant to and ended up making everything much worse.

Joshua sighed, pushing his fingers through his dark hair and closing his eyes. It was still hard to believe that he was talking to her. There was a lot of things that he wished he could say right now, but honestly he just could not. He had no idea where to start and where to end or if it would even be worth it. His lips parted to speak again when he heard her voice very faintly once again. "I miss you. I miss you, so much,” "Lex," he said, his voice cracking a bit on the single word but he barely noticed. He had been so sure that these were words he would never hear from her, and he hoped to God that they were true because the same words had filled his head countless times, about her. He wanted to hold her so badly right then. "Shh, it's okay... I miss you too. I miss you everyday," Joshua assured the girl, his voice gentle and caring once again, and he was telling the sincere truth. He wouldn't lie to her about something like that.

His wish to hold her again, however impossible it had seemed at first, was now coming true. He hardly even cared how chiché the whole running into each other's arms on the beach situation was - it was beautiful, more than he could have ever asked for. His heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he saw her coming toward him. The way she stumbled a few times as she came to meet him was absolutely adorable, and he loved it. His arms securely held her to him, and he felt her arms meet around his shoulders and her face in his neck, where she fit so perfectly. She said his name again and again, and she was sobbing, and he felt the way her lips brushed against his skin when she spoke. He was sure it was unintentional, but even the smallest touch like that sent a wonderful chill throughout his entire body. Her hair smelled lovely and he kissed it, pressing his lips to it very gently, somehow hoping that maybe she wouldn't even notice this movement. It probably wasn't the best move but he wanted to. He was too happy right now not to show affection... he was too in love with her not to.

Joshua had to pull himself away, however - he didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know if she had a boyfriend or what. There was no doubt in his mind that there had been other boys in her life besides him since the last time that he had seen her - probably many boys (and it would be a lie to say that Joshua was not incredibly jealous of each and every one of them). There was no way of knowing if he was crossing the line. However, a frown spread across her lips as he stepped away and he marveled at the fact that it might exist because she did not want him to pull away like that. Not much time had passed before she had stepped closer again, and one of her tiny, soft hands pressed gently against the side of his face, nearly sending his heart into a frenzy. He could not possibly fathom that this was real, and not a dream. His green eyes were glued to her, taking in the tiny changes that he could see - her hair was different... and she looked even more breathtaking than he remembered. Her eyes were wet and he wished that they weren't, but then she smiled and he could not help the way his lips tugged up at the sides at the sight of it. "Don’t be sorry, Joshua. If anything, I’m the one who has some explaining to do.” He could not think of a response to this, because it was true. He did wonder a lot of things and would like them to be explained to him, especially because this wasn't even making any sense to him right now. He thought that she decided that she didn't want him a long time ago. So why had she missed him, why was she acting like this now? Was everything that she was doing now sincere? He could only hope so. He thumb ran across his cheek and it was warm. No one had touched his face like this so delicately in what seemed like ages.

Joshua was relieved when her arm wrapped around his waist and she came closer again; it was hard not to be close to her when she was right there. His arm slid around her waist, bringing her against him again, his fingers beginning to caress her lower back gently and mostly out of habit. "I can't believe you're crying." A small smile on was on his lips as he used his other hand to reach up to her face, brushing the wetness away from her cheeks. "God, you're so beautiful," he muttered afterward, gently moving her bangs out of her eyes a bit and then dropping his arm, letting it rest lightly on her waist. He gazed at her for a moment, trying to think of something to say but his lips could not seem to form the right words. He sighed and dropped his head down a little, hesitantly resting his forehead against hers. "I'm going to have to apologize to your boyfriend for this later," he said, sort of joking but then again sort of being serious. He didn't want to know the awful truth of why she had gone and what she had been doing with who since he'd last seen her - at least not yet. He was just too happy to see her to deal with anything else right now.

His eyes closed and he separated the space between them, pressing his lips against hers in a gentle kiss, one of his hands reaching up to sort of lay in her hair as he did so. He was so nervous that he was nearly shaking but it did not matter. Lex was the one thing that Joshua had ever been serious about in his entire life, and he wanted one kiss. That was it.

He had no idea what she was going to do. He had no idea if this was a bad idea or not. But Joshua never thought anything through before he did it.

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[lex monroe.]

( I JUST CAN'T GET YOU OFF MY MIND )

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Lex was sobbing like a true idiot, oblivious to the rest of the world and all its counterparts. She felt the tears running down her face, off her chin and directly into her cleavage. She didn’t care, though. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she had Joshua, right here, and right now. Nothing else in the world could’ve meant more to her. Lex thought back to Joshua’s words when they had been on the phone earlier. "It's okay. I wasn't good for you, I understand. I'm sorry too." She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, feeling her makeup washing down her face. She knew she probably had black streaks winding down her cheeks, but that was another thing that couldn’t have mattered less. “Joshua, you were good for me. You were perfect for me. You were—you were everything to me,” She assured, pulling a single finger along his jaw line. Closing her eyes again, she murmured into his neck, “Everything.”

Lex’s tiny body shivered as Joshua nuzzled in a kiss to her hair, her arms around him tightening that much more. She couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect in her lifetime. Aside from, of course, the moment she’d told him she loved him during that Spongebob episode. Her heart sank as she thought about that divine minute in history when she had reached up to kiss his soft cheek… Lex returned to the present suddenly, with the memory pushed to the back of her brain. She was trying not to reminisce. Was it right, with Nate’s death so recent? With her child’s so recent? But while Joshua feared he was crossing a line, Lex was eager to smash that line with a steel hammer. She couldn’t seem to get enough of this wonderful, lovely boy that she loved so much. That she still loved so much.

Lex felt warm blood gathering under her cheeks as Joshua studied her up and down. She closed her eyes, turning her cheek away for a moment to suppress her embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” She began, wiping the tears from her eyes. The black mascara on her cheekbones smudged even more. “I probably look like shit right now.” Lex laughed through her gasping sobs, the very cusp of her teeth showing through her pinked lips. She noticed that Joshua smiled in response to this peep show to her teeth. Was it possible that he still found her smile something to relish? No, how could he? Lex was low. She was lower than low—she was scum on the bathroom floor, too low for anyone to even bother with. She didn’t even deserve to be in his presence right now—to be touching him like nothing had ever happened.

She felt Joshua’s hands on her back, stroking gently like he had so many years before. She shut her eyes, basking in the feel of it all, trying to soak up as much of it as possible. Because she knew when she told Joshua about what had happened that he would probably bail on her or something like that. How could he not? She had been awful to him when he had only given her love at all. Lex buried her face further into Joshua’s collar, sniffling as though she were some young, fresh little girl. “I’m so sorry,” She wailed quietly, shaking her head back and forth in a monotonous motion. “I never meant to hurt you,” She admitted stupidly, even knowing very well that she had already hurt him horribly. "I can't believe you're crying." Lex smiled, coughing out a giggle. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, trying desperately to get the makeup from her face. It wasn’t working, and she only looked like a fool. But Joshua—sweet and perfectly wonderful as he was—reached up to her cheek to help sweep the mess away. She smiled again.


"God, you're so beautiful," Lex hiccupped softly, tossing her head from side to side in disagreement. This was part of a never ending battle she and Joshua always had over her supposed ‘beauty’. She was glad to see that it still hadn’t ended. “You don’t have to be nice to me,” Lex mumbled, her crystalline eyes falling from his. She shivered as his hand brushed at her waist. It felt so nice… Joshua tipped his forehead forward so that it touched hers, forcing her to look into his eyes. She couldn’t help but notice how easy it would’ve been to just kiss him… "I'm going to have to apologize to your boyfriend for this later," Lex’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, that’s right. He didn’t know. Not yet. Lex inhaled a ragged breath, feeling an emotional talk coming on. “I don’t have one.” She admitted gently, her eyes tumbling to the ground again.

Joshua pried their faces apart, much to Lex’s dismay, but then he did something that completely made up for it in the end. He kissed her. He leaned forward, pressing his lips softly into hers, and kissed her. Well hot damn. Lex smiled shakily, the idea of Nate falling miles away from her head as she kissed him back. She felt his hand in her hair, a chill crawling quickly up her spine. He was the only one she’d ever wanted, and the only one she wanted right now. When they pulled away, Lex smiled, her body trembling lightly. She paused for a moment, taking it all in, and then looked back up to Joshua. She stood up on her tippy toes, her hands on either of his shoulders, and kissed him again, this time deeper. It was wonderful, and she loved it. It was like she was a year younger again, still in high school, making out in the courtyard with her adorable boyfriend Joshua. If only he knew how much she loved him right now.

Lex pulled away with a tiny, wet noise from their lips. She stared into the endless abyss that was his eyes, feeling herself falling in love with him all over again. But before she could admit it, she had to explain herself. And soon, before the camera crew could track them down. Lex threaded her fingers through Joshua’s, pulling him down into the sand, where she sat cross-legged. The golden sand bended to fit her tiny shape, as well as Joshua’s. She still hadn’t let go of his hand, and she knew she wasn’t going to, either. “I didn’t want to hurt you anymore,” She began, deciding it was best to just jump right into her story. “And I thought you’d be better off without a cokehead that you had to constantly clean up after. So I left, for you.” Lex’s free hand began to draw a scraggly heart in the sand beside her. “I headed to New Jersey, and I met this guy. I kind of loved him, I guess. Not as much as I loved you, but a lot still.” She sucked in a shaky breath, her face twitching with pain as she prepared to continue.

“He—he got me pregnant a few months after we’d been dating. And I was happy. I was. I mean, a family, right? But what I didn’t know was that he was in a gang, and that he wasn’t allowed to have gotten me pregnant.” Lex closed her eyes and bit at her bottom lip, squeezing Joshua’s hand tightly just as she had whenever they watched scary movies together. A sob became evident in her voice after a few moments. She sniffed, trying not to cry anymore, but it wasn’t working at all. “So they decided it would fix everything if they curbstomped him, like it would make everything better. I just wish—that I hadn’t had to watch it happen.” Lex recalled being held at gunpoint, being forced to watch as Nate’s face was pounded into the curb. She tried to wipe more tears from her cheek, failing miserably. “So before they could get to me, I aborted the baby and fled. But I had no money, nothing left, so I signed up for this TV show… and…” Lex was lost in sobs by this time. She had broken down completely, her body racked with heavy breaths and aching with the desire to be held and comforted. She reached her arms out for Joshua, holding herself tightly against his warm body. She felt the harsh winds blowing at her body, burning her skin, but she felt invincible holding onto him like this. Lex buried her face into the crook of his neck, kissing it over and over again. “I loved you like crazy, Joshua. I promise. I still do.” And boom. The bomb.